*21-10-2025*

just woke up, at about 5:30 a.m, was feeling nausea-tic, but took medicine and then i felt okay. anyways, today’s been one of those days where everything loops.. the same thoughts, same spirals, same what-ifs, the same damn feeling that nothing's really for me.
i started the day thinking about gear again. the zoom b1 four bass multi-effects pedal (red).. i was wondering if i could just plug in headphones and listen to the bass output, zone out late at night. i was also thinking about traditional amps, but then, like always, it started slipping into that repetitive inner debate: if i spend more on the bass guitar, i will have to cheap out on the amp. if i get a better amp, the guitar suffers. it's all some eternal compromise.

there's around fifty thousand rupees i could technically throw at this, but then there's the gpu.. the one i've dreamed about for years, almost a decade. if i get the bass, the rx 9070xt slips away. if i get the gpu, the music dream dies. both are versions of the same ache: wanting something that feels like mine but realizing money, guilt, and logic are stronger than desire.

and then there's the weird guilt of spending more than thirty thousand on anything. that's when it stops being a "hobby" and becomes smth i would have to justify to my parents. smth i would have to prove i'm serious about.. it's like the moment i try to prove it, the magic dies. hobbies are supposed to be light, right? but they never stay light for me.

i looked at other options. like that an audio interface.. 5-10k, they look sleek. the thing is that i won't be able to play my bass somewhere else until and unless i have an amp or di box type of thingy. but for just a bit more, the b1 four pedal. and then i start thinking about the b1x four, which costs 2k more.. what's even the real difference? expression pedal? how do you even decide these things when every drop starts feeling like an emotional decision?

and amps.. yea, i could get one, but i dont wanna dip below 25 watts, and that pushes me into the 16k+ range again. so i would have to compromise on the bass.
and the bass is the heart of it all, so how do you even decide which limb to cut off first? lmao :c

then that thought again.. AGAIN. maybe things arent for me. i've said it SOOOO many times. things aren’t for me. music, gear, cameras, art(physical media).. everytime i try to numb or sedate things, it always worsens it.

sometimes i think maybe i should just get a camcorder instead. that feels easier. but then i start spiraling for the 43743715893th time again.. customs, taxes, shipping delays, damage, missing parts. all those small absurd fears pile up and crush the whole plan. everything turns into too much.

and i end up here again. staring at nothing, telling myself "guess things aren’t for me."
cornball arse life, dude.

almost at every point i think, should i just abandon the bass entirely? maybe abandon everything.. the gear, the dreams, the plans. maybe just study, since my boards and pre-boards are on the way. but even that doesnt sound like life. it sounds like waiting. and if life’s meaningless anyway, what difference does it make what i do with it?

sometimes i think, maybe life isn’t meant to be enjoyed. maybe it’s just meant to be endured. but then, why care? and if you don’t care, why live? every question folds back into that same bottomless pit.. “life has no inherent meaning.”

and that’s when the darker thoughts start coming in. the idea that drugs are easier to get than a bass or a gpu. that maybe euphoria’s cheaper when it comes in powder, grass, liquid form. or maybe that a knife's easier to find than peace.

but i didn’t do it. i didn’t go that far. i skipped school, yeah, and went to take a bath. stood there for 10, maybe 20 minutes, spiraling again. knocking my knuckles against the wall tiles.. not sure if i liked it or hated it. just feeling smth. staring at my arms, thinking about slitting them, then stopping. turning on the shower instead, washing away whatever that was. started to feel abit more fresh, i guess?

after this, i went on to play some records, and i played some of my most fav records - björk’s debut. "crying" "venus as a boy."
suddenly everything "kind of" softened.
i brushed my teeth listening to "crying" dried off listening to "big time sensuality" that line..
"it takes courage to enjoy.."
hit like lightning.

it reminded me of that time in early 2025, right after my 9th grade final exams ended, in a subtle way. i hadnt studied a thing all year in 9th grade, then locked myself in for ten+ days straight.. 12-16 hours a day, especially for maths. it was brutal. and when it ended, and i finally put on björk’s debut, it felt EUPHORIC!! not because of the album alone, but because i had earned that moment. allat isolation, struggle and hustle.. all of it made that first note feel like sunlight after weeks underground.

it made me realize that maybe the magic of life hides in deprivation. like björk, or any good art, doesn’t heal you.. it returns you to yourself. maybe pleasure isnt about getting everything you want, but about feeling everything you’ve lost and still breathing through it??

after that, i thought again about what i said earlier.. about knives and wanting to stop the pain. i'm staying away from sharp things. but i do think there are better ways to escape this algorithmic, machine fed life, i guess??

listened to "one day"..
"one day it will happen, one day it will all make sense."
maybe its corny ash, but it worked. maybe not "sense" but at least it felt like smth beyond despair.

and yea, i started thinking again about reading thus spoke zarathustra by nietzsche. feels like the right time. i tried beyond good and evil once, couldnt even get through ten pages.. its a hard read for me due to its philosophical poetry type of writing style. but zarathustra kinda feels more yk.. idk what it's called but, maybe because its a story of someone wrestling with the same shit i am.. meaninglessness, creation, contradiction, birth, life.

i've always liked contradictions. i consume art that's full of them.. despair and beauty coexisting. stalker by tarkovsky, for instance. that slow ache, the negative space. i used to think, why not live like that? embrace the dread instead of running from it. but sometimes i wonder if im just romanticizing my own misery.

still, there are things that have genuinely saved me:

studying physics and maths rigorously.
listening to music.. especially björk, pink floyd’s "echoes".. all those beautifully produced records that make existence seem worth the noise.
playing games like dark souls and assassin’s creed revelations this year.. finishing them felt like surviving smth.
reading leftist writers.. the ones who make despair feel like resistance.
the internet.. chaotic, endless, numbing, but also the only place that makes me feel less alone sometimes. there are wayy better people here.

all of that. that's me. i'm not sure where it's going. i still dont know if i should get the bass or the camcorder or abandon both. maybe abandoning them will make things simpler. maybe it will just make things duller. but then i'm literally getting to numb/sedate the dullness. such a cornball arse cycle, dude.

but i keep circling back to this: björk's debut saved me once, and it might again. maybe the trick is not to keep adding more things, but to re-experience the same ones differently.

maybe i dont need to "fix" everything. maybe i just need to survive long enough for the next lightning strike.. that moment when, after all the dullness, smth suddenly feels alive again. would love to get that, hahah!

idk what tomorrow's gonna be like. maybe i will study. maybe i will spiral again. maybe i will listen to venus as a boy one more time and think about how absurdly beautiful it is that we're even here??

for now, that's enough,
i guess.