so..
ALOOOOTTT of things happened in the past few days,
i was inactive here for quite some time
and like you know.. ALOT of things happened, and i'm gonna breakdown or summarize what happened in the past few days.
lemme start off with 'em -
ah, such a crazy day, i, eric and mr. dick went to vartola to score some plants. i was sleeping that day, and these two mfs(eric and mr dick) hopped out of nowhere.
they wacked my arse off and awoke me, and i was just soo confused for a second, but then i realize after seeing these two people.. like my subconscious somehow made me associate them with the plant..
well, regardless, i took some money(fully financed by me btw), mr. dick kicked in his vehicle and we went to "that" place where you trade the things.
now, i was standing in a distance, and then they went to get the stuff..
now, mr dick hops in, and gives grandma the code. grandma couldn't hear it at first, but without fumbling things up, eric said the code again in a more coherent manner, i guess. and they got the stuff.
the thing is, this was our first time, and eric says "it's been awhile, grandma"
as if his arse ever met her before, lol😹
regardless, i had to keep the plants, since i was the "cook" and on the next day, i was supposed to "cook" 'em with my team(shyon & viventor)
so, yea, we cooked it.
the thing is - it wasn't that good, 'cuz i mean we're first time "chef", so it's kinda self explanatory...
but still, it was still consumable!!
this day was soo freakin' crazy, dude,
i mean, that day i, eric and viventor were sooo freakin' happy and excited 'cuz of annual day. yea, that day we had annual day, but we had a bit of other plans, yk?
i will start from 12am,
i didn't plan this night like a ceremony, yk? there was no countdown, no special framing, no internal monologue convincing myself why this mattered. it wasn't reckless either.. it sat somewhere in between, casual in a way that almost felt careless, lmfaoo. like choosing to stay up knowing tomorrow exists but deciding, briefly, that it doesn't matter. the last clean sentence in my head, before anything actually happened, was simple: let's do this real quick.
it happened in our outdoor toilet, and that detail matters more than it sounds like it should.
it wasn't a comforting space or a private oopie goopie cocoon.. just cold walls, functional posture, the mild urgency of wanting to be done and leave.
nothing poetic unfolded there.
no anticipation stretching into fantasy, lol.
i didn't linger.
when i stepped back out, the world didn't bend or bloom like how i imagined.
it felt like a normal high, familiar enough to not ring any alarms.
i remember thinking, almost with relief, okay, this is just baseline.
i washed my hands.
the water felt like water.
the sink felt like a sink.
everything still belonged to itself.
but i did feel some sort of sensation of heat winding me up, but i was still like "eh?"
walking back to my room, that's when my body quietly started changing. my legs felt much more heavier than what i was feeling, not weak or unstable, just weighted.. like someone had adjusted messed up with the gravity..
i could feel each step landing on the ground slower than usual, but still deliberate, and.. still controlled.
there was no sense of losing balance, just the awareness that effort now had abit more mass to push against.
inside my room, i closed the door, and that small click mattered more than i expected.
the outside world was gone in a very literal way.
i switched the light from white to red and dimmed it abit, not as a ritual or some intentional mood setting act, but out of instinct.
red just makes me feel warmer.
i remember the exact thought forming without drama:
ah, now the room feels more vibrant.
but.. it didn't feel amplified or surreal yet. it still felt like an everyday decision, the kind you don't assign weight to.
when i was about to sit down, that's when things began to rearrange themselves.. quietly at first, without asking for attention. it didn't start visually. my eyes were fine, the room looked the same. what changed was sound. my speakers have this constant coil whine when kept at 100% through its nob..
its that thin electronic noise that usually dissolves into the background.
this time, it refused to stay there. it didn't get louder in volume, but it became impossible to ignore, like its presence had thickened. it felt as if a massive machine had powered on somewhere inside me, not in front of me or around me, but internally..
a long metallic weeeeeeennngggg stretching across my mind.
i remember thinking very clearly, almost analytically, yoo, my auditory sensations are getting insanely amplified.
it wasnt threatening or comforting.
it felt industrial, mechanical and machine-atic.
i wasn't liked merged with it or got blended into it;
i was observing it.. aware that i was observing it.
as i sat down, my sense of gravity shifted in a subtle but unmistakable way. it stopped feeling strictly vertical. instead of pulling straight down, it felt like it tilted, as if my body were being gently drawn upward on a slant(for context it felt like that oddly scary but adventurous i went to a few months back).
it was like the slow incline at the beginning of the carnival ride, when you know movement is happening but nothing dramatic has happened yet.
my physical body stayed planted, but mentally i felt slightly off axis, displaced by a few degrees.
my heartbeat started asserting itself. like i could feel it pounding.
then my breathing snapped into focus, and suddenly it wasn't automatic anymore.. what do you say? manual breathing or something.
then my legs began to jolt. not tremble or shake, but jolt.. sharp, rhythmic movements that came without permission. involuntary, automatic, and perfectly timed like a metronome had synced itself directly to my nervous system.
i wasn't initiating it, and i wasn't stopping it either. my body had entered a loop. it didn't feel emotional. it felt mechanical, processed, like being run through a system rather than experiencing a feeling.
the build up, the jolt kind of reminded me of the track "dead on arrival" by throbbing gristle.
the way tension builds up, the way that electronic machine-atic snare kicks in at the heights and pulls back and repeats that atmosphere, with many other sound artifacts coming into play.. it feels like going through a psychedelic industrial place, that constant pulling repetitive breaking sound feels like you're getting pulled by the atmosphere, and those sound artifacts act like things which are coming randomly popping up around you while you're getting pulled. this is the way how i visualize this track, so yea.
that's when i put music on, not to escape what was happening, but to anchor it. pink floyd came first.. breathe and on the run, live at wembley 1974.
the familiarity helped, not by overpowering the sensation but by settling it, like laying a known texture over something unfamiliar.
then boards of canada followed.. aquarius, the color of the fire. nostalgia surfaced, but it wasn't heavy or sad. it felt distant and happily warm at the same time, like remembering a childhood place without remembering how you got there.
then came king crimson.. the record discipline.. elephant talk, frame by frame.. and the precision of it stood out sharply.
played charlene & alarm call by björk and it felt so wonderful!! i mean, dude, the high vocals, the abstract sounds, the production felt SOOOOOO freakin' astounding!!
somewhere in the middle of all that, something absurd happened. i realized i was "turned on" while listening to a freakin' song(frame by frame to be specific).
not suddenly, not dramatically..
it only became apparent when i touched myself and noticed warmth, growth, like my body had quietly made a decision without consulting me.
i felt like something was growing between my legs, in a cartoonish manner, but i didn't gave it any attention.
it was funny and it broke immersion for a moment in a way that made me internally laugh. then it just existed. i didn't chase it or suppress it. it faded into the background.
it was VERY funny for me, like getting an orgasm out of listening to a track by king crimson(or just ANY song). and the fact that i didn't even knew i'm getting turned on until i touched my thing and it felt warm..
then the night shifted again, and i felt something VERY absurd, one of the most memorable parts..
what had felt like excitement in my stomach began to change texture.
so, the thing is, after sometime sitting around talking to eric(crator), i started feeling like there's something boiling up in my stomach now, i was kind of happy thinking that "oh yea, it's just a trip and i think things are kicking in" but slowly, that boiling of liquid inside my stomach sensation started feeling as if it was being pushed upwards from middle of my abdomen to my upper abdomen, then reaching my oesophagus, and eventually reaching my buccal cavity.
but, till the time it was in my oesophagus, i still had doubt if it was real but soon, the gag reflex turned on.
the thought hit clearly and immediately: oh shit, i'm about to puke!!
the fear that followed wasn't about the sensation itself, but about consequences.. having to clean up a mess, dealing with logistics. my body prepared for it. the gag reflex kicked in.
and i was like "woah- i'm about to puke",
it also reminded of a reddit mate i met back in 2024 who was talking about doing an obscure substance and vomiting for 6 hours.
but again, i wasn't even 5% close to him.. well, regardless, let's get back to the topic so,
when i was about to puke, i realized that the vomit isn't getting out, as if it's stuck.
and its last or initial "stuck" position was literally the same length as my chewing gum,
now i felt like "wai- i didn't puke?" but soon after, i started chewing my gum, and then i realized that the chewing gum felt like the end point of my vomit...
like it LITERALLY did!!
i was so intimidated and astonished by this.
i was still chewing my gum, and it felt like as if i was chewing a gum dipped in a warm pool of vomit, and now that's still secreting some sort of abstract vomit INSIDE my mouth.
after this, i went on to play the newly released pink floyd's 50th anniversary wywh set. it was an absolute coincidence that pink floyd released their 50th anniversary wish you were here set on the exact time when i entered the geek mode, lol.
while playing all these records & tracks, i made sure i'm watching something trippy, and i played these three videos -
>[NEW 2021] - Simulated Interdimensional Travel - Psychedelic Fractal Visuals [4K, 60fps]
by Trippy Everything
>SPACE TRAVEL TO A BEAUTIFUL NEBULA / WORMHOLE, HYPNOTIC JOURNEY, INTERSTELLAR, HEALING AMBIENCE
by Moszen
>Floating Through Tree Dimensions |1h+ Trippy Nature Visuals 4K
by DreamDropper
i skimmed through some parts and sat patiently through others of that video, but overall i had an incredible experience listening to the 1975 pink floyd live recordings from los angeles.
raving and drooling (the early version of sheep) really stood out to me, especially that opening keyboard passage. the way the bass locks into that looping, that hypnotic bassline feels grounding and unsettling at the same time.
then there's that brief moment where nick mason seems to drift off and do his own thing rhythmically, creating this fragile calm before everything collapses into chaos.
when david gilmour's guitar finally cuts through and roger waters' vocals emerge, it feels like the whole piece snaps into focus, pulling you fully into both the sonic environment and the trippy visuals it evokes.
i've always preferred raving and drooling over sheep since 2024 because of its raw, gritty, and unpolished character. there's an extended section at the beginning that gives real space to the buildup, allowing the tension to simmer rather than rushing straight into the main theme.
in sheep, the guitar and vocals arrive much more quickly, which works in its own way, but raving and drooling feels more respectful of that initial sequence.
the atmosphere has time to breathe and deepen, making the eventual eruption feel more earned.
to me, that slow, deliberate buildup is what gives raving and drooling its unique power and why it still feels more immersive and ominous than its "deemed" successor.
after that, resistance disappeared completely. fuck it. let it be heavy as fuck. i wanted the ride. fear of getting caught didn't vanish, but it became irrelevant background noise.
after this, i have a very loose memory but i think my mom entered my room? i don't remember but i surely remember that i played the record time machines by coil, and it truly felt like a wave of sound frequencies going around my head as if i'm standing near a big arse tower which emits these sound and light. i drifted into a half asleep state, not unconscious, just slipping between tracks and thoughts, awareness thinning without fully disappearing.
when i woke up later, there was no dramatic aftermath.
just neutrality.
a few minutes later, the realization arrived quietly:
yo, something happened last night.
it wasn't as strong as i imagined it might be, and it wasn't mind bending, but it was physical in a way i hadn't experienced before.. intimate, strange, undeniably unique.
i don't feel regret, and i don't feel the urge to chase it.
i recognize it simply as a night where my body, sound, and attention briefly rearranged themselves, and then, just as quietly, went back to normal.
AFTERNOON
i wake up in the afternoon and the first thing that arrives isn't urgency but that familiar inward spiral.. not dramatic, just a slow turning in on itself. music goes on almost automatically. i let old concert videos play(old prog rock archives and all that kind of stuff),
the kind that feel lived in already, where the crowd noise and the imperfections make everything feel safer than silence.
i'm not thinking about later yet;
i'm just trying to sit with the day as it forms, watching it from the inside.
by evening there's a plan, loosely held but real:
the lannua programme. i head to the "obvious" place where i can usually find both viventor and eric. the only problem is i dont have my phone. that absence becomes its own small anxiety. i go anyway. on the way i run into two friends buying things for their chewbaccapellas. we fall into step together. i borrow one guy's phone and start calling eric, only to find out..
with a kind of tired irritation..
that this mf has gone to the bazar to get his school uniform pressed. he had told me to meet early, and here i am, waiting while he wanders off. i'm annoyed, but not surprised. that's just him.
i roam for a few minutes, killing time, then drift back toward our obvious place again. that's when i meet one of my female friends. i take her phone to text eric.. he doesn't read it.. and then suddenly i see eric and viventor coming out of the footpath together. the sight of them hits me with this ridiculous, genuine happiness.
like, oh. there you are. relief, warmth, a little laugh escaping without permission.
we end up at an abandoned house, and everything after that carries this low grade paranoia that's almost funny. we do the stuff there, half joking, half alert.
i'm probably the first to notice my heartbeat. it's not racing wildly yet, just suddenly present. i mention it.
viventor goes, yeah, dude, same here.
and then there’s crator, completely unfazed, saying nothing even happened, bruh.
it's absurd how different our internal dashboards are.
we step out.. not even a meter or two.. and then crator suddenly goes,
"ayy, dude, arent y'all seeing the light moving? the streets are slipping away"
i'm genuinely confused. i tell him nothing's happening for me.
and then, almost on cue, something does start to happen. my legs feel heavier. the surroundings get a bit more vivid.. not crazy, not mind bending. just enough that i notice noticing.
viventor chimes in that he can feel some drifting pattern too. and then we all start laughing. not nervous laughter exactly. more like that contagious, logic free laughter where the moment collapses into itself.
we go to eric's(or crator's) house and sit down, trying to ground ourselves. we wash our hands. we're still laughing like idiots, like the act of doing something normal is itself hilarious.
after that we head back out toward the obvious place again.
walking down the lane feels kind of wonderful. we're talking nonsense, checking each other’s eyes, asking if anyone's red. then viventor actually shows his eyes and me and crator instantly go, "AYO, YO ARSE WILL GET CAUGHT"
something snaps in me and i just start running.
i don't even know why.
it's pure impulse.
i stop, laughing, breath uneven, and we try to walk normally again.
then a dog barks at us. and holy shit.. it's terrifying in this exaggerated, cartoonish way. the bark hijacks our nervous systems completely. it feels like the biggest dog in existence just unloaded its most powerful voice directly into us. it jolts us awake, sharpens everything, and then.. just as fast.. it dissolves into laughter again.
dream logic.
none of it makes sense, and that's somehow fine.
then comes the call from that junkie classmate in the "obvious" place.
he shouts in front of everyone, "ayy, dude, gimme stuff as well"
like we're passing chocolates.
it's so reckless it almost feels unreal. he takes some and then starts showing it around to normies inside the premises.
i'm watching this thinking:
how can someone be this careless?
as if that's not enough, he smokes one himself with others and hands another to the guy "bustop"..
someone who's not familiar with this stuff at all, but wants to do it anyways.
after that mess, me, crator, and viventor go back to the lannua programme.
we sit there, letting the noise settle. a band comes on. i know them well;
i've been around them for rehearsals, i know what they're going to play.
the stage video player guy puts on those trippy visuals behind them.
they're not intense, not THAT overwhelming..
just there.
the band plays covers like imagine and we will rock you.
it feels strangely gentle, like being held at arm's length by something familiar.
later we're back at the obvious place again.
bustop approaches me and says he's got some stuff.
i half joke, half mean it when i tell him
"dude, i'm heisenberg. i'm the reason why that shit got into your hands. i got that one-to-many connection."
because of that, me, crator, and viventor end up accompanying him and a few others -- mr. dick, ali akhtar, bustop..
back to the abandoned house. they go inside and make a lot of noise, laughing, walking on cracked glasses, careless.
sitting outside crator's house, i get hit with this sudden thought:
wait.. when we did this earlier, could someone else hear us like this?
that question sticks, sharp and uncomfortable.
after all that, when we start walking again, bustop mentions his legs feel heavier. ali akhtar is just laughing like crazy. the contrast is wild. after that, i & viventor go home.
the night of 12/12 doesn't feel finished, though.
at around midnight.. technically early morning of 13/12.. i consume again. yhat makes it three times in almost one day. something i've never done before.
this time it's bland.
flat.
almost nothing.
just a slightly elevated nico like high.
no depth.
no edge.
i put music on anyway.
pink floyd flows into van der graaf generator, genesis, king crimson, françoise hardy, throbbing Gristle, peter gabriel. coil comes on.. time machines.. and somewhere around there, around 1 a.m., i most probably fall asleep.
the sound keeps going without me.
The day finally lets go.
the days that follow don't feel like recovery.
they feel like aftermath. i'm actively trying to reason with myself. i replay the night in exact order, narrating it internally like evidence. i tell myself it was temporary, that it already passed, that nothing about my current state is dangerous or permanent. sometimes that logic works.. briefly. Oother times it backfires, pulling the sensations closer, making my body remember before my mind finishes explaining.
sleep changes character. it isn't restless, but it isn't surrendered either. i lie there aware of my heartbeat, the pressure behind my eyes, the thin boundary between drifting and staying alert. every time i start to fall, there’s resistance.. like my system doesn't fully trust letting go.
there's another weight layered on top of this:
anticipation.
rumors.
warnings.
the idea that consequences might arrive on a specific day lodges itself in my chest.
i start watching the calendar too closely.
on top of that, there's evaluation.. results being looked at, numbers being discussed, expressions of disappointment that don't need words.
i didnt prepare. and yet i still performed somewhat decently.
got 50-60% in most of the subjects, with 71/80 in english(30 minutes preparation), 43/50 in IT(again, 30 minutes actual preparation).
that contradiction eats at me. i keep thinking about wasted potential, about how easily things could've gone differently if i would just applied myself.
by the night of the 16th, the anxiety peaks into something sharper.
i reach out to someone online because holding it alone feels unsafe.
i explain that one part of the stress is academic pressure, and ALOT of other things but the new damage is coming from a decision i made outside that context.
nothing has happened yet..
no confrontation, no confirmation by the prefects..
but the possibility is enough to trigger physical panic.
Hheart pounding.
nausea.
a creeping unreality that makes it hard to focus on anything else.
i couldn't even study, focus on anything, i was just thinking of harming myself because i thought i deserved it.
the conversation unfolds slowly.
i admit what category the decision falls into without naming it outright.
i explain how someone else(that junkhead who i met in the obvious place) escalated the situation publicly and irresponsibly.
i talk about a vague warning from someone connected to authority(a teacher's son), a warning without ANY details that leaves my mind to fill in the blanks.
i describe how the uncertainty itself is what's killing me.
i consider repeating the behavior just to numb the feeling, but i know it would only intensify everything.
the responses are steady, grounded.
don't add fuel right now.
breathe. people deal with this kind of thing more often than it feels like.
Hhonesty might help.
or silence might.
hearing that doesn't erase the fear, but it punctures the sense of inevitability.
i start imagining a way forward..
studying rigorously, rebuilding trust, proving something to myself if nothing else.
by the end of the exchange, i feel calmer.
not resolved.
but intact and i'm more grounded.
on the 18th, the tension collapses all at once.
i find out it was a lie. a prank played this mf crator.
the relief is violent in how fast it moves through me. my body lets go before my mind fully catches up. gratitude floods in, followed almost immediately by anger..
not explosive, just cold.
this mf crator had been cycling me through fear and relief repeatedly, playing with uncertainty, insisting even when i doubted them. i realize how deeply it affected me, how close it pushed me to harming myself just to escape the pressure. that realization doesn't dramatize itself.. it sits heavy and undeniable.
i know i'm safe now.
emotionally, situationally.
but there's a lingering unease, like a nervous system that learned something the hard way and hasn't unlearned it yet. i don't know exactly what i will do about him. i only know that distance is necessary.