*22-12-2025*

yesterday(21.12.25), i was spiraling abit, thinking about my life and all that stuff.
i had this sudden feeling that..
i should probably consume the shit to elevate me from something. that creeping malaise. maybe numb myself so that I don't care about the world the same way it doesn't cares about me.
but the thing is, i couldn't find a single fire source, and i ended up sleeping with a lot of exhausted, fatigued, angry emotions...

now, on late night of the day 21.12.25
before consuming the thing --
i installed elden ring on my computer(this time it was the bought/actual version instead of the pirated one)
since i don't have a graphics card for the time being, i had to play it on the LOWEST possible setting, and i would say – yes, visually it looks absolutely unfathomable, horrendous. and i really wanna play it on max settings, at 1440p, ray tracing cranked up, to enjoy it :c

regardless, my parents were woke, and i was kinda hesistant to do it,
but anyways, i found myself a light source and then went to our outdoor toilet.
now, as i took that stick and started striking it against the box, it was just not litting up
as if an external force was telling me not to do it.
but i didn't care.
i didn't listen to this non-existent omnipotent, omnipresent, or WHATEVER shit arse creature.
i kept going on,
and i kept striking it until and unless i didn't get the flame out of it.
and then , suddenly it sparked!!
i was so happy, but this happiness isn't even comparable to what i felt next.
i took tons of puffs, and it kind of made my throat and lungs go “ayy, dude, are you in some hazardous chemical industry site?!”, lmfao.
as i was reaching the end of that shit, i started to realize that i'm getting that “high” and this time it's “kind of” what i wanted,
i was trying to shoo the smoke away but while doing so i recalled how i would flap my hands like a duck or swan as a kid when i used to take bathe. it kind of made me feel as if i was a child, though dissapointingly my body didn't secrete this specific chemical or sensation in body. i've absolutely NO idea what this sensation is(was) because this is a sensation i used to feel as a kid, and there's something VERY unique about this feeling.
i think that no substance whatsoever can bring that feeling back, and if they do – i'm ALL out for it.
btw, one part of the smoke got into my eyes and it felt like sudden sharp burning sensation in my eyes, and i was like “that's it. my eyes will turn red and they'll all find out!”

regardless, i head out, and then to the washroom to wash my hands off,
and i was fully “high”.
then i got into my room, locked it, and i was confused whwre i should put things, what should i do, as if something hijacked my decision making ability.
i turned my lights reds, and here's where things started to fall apart in a psychedelic sense --
i felt like “is something even happening? or nothing's happening?”
then i straight up looked at the bulb thinking that i would hear or see something.
now, while looking at the bulb, i start d to hear things,
and this time i had absolutely very strong hyper auditory sensation upliftment compared to previous ones.. this was almost comparable to the the 3rd oktober one.
i started to hear very strong frequencies, it was VERY dark ambient, drone-like sound.
SUPER identical to the track 7-methoxy-beta-carboline by coil. but the volume was on 20x.
then i was looking at the walls, which looked quite heavy and dark.
when i was looking at them, i thought that i’m merging with them, and i'm not aware of how i should put this because i don't exactly know how it was but that thing was heavy asf.
while looking at the walls ,i was feeling WONDERRFUL!!
also, i remember while doing so, i was zoning out.
as i was standing, looking at the walls, while i'm fully happy(i dont know why i was happy) i felt like slowly something is pulling me backwards.. and then i would go halfway and then realize that “oh wai- i'm gonna fall”
not in a terrified manner, as i fully enjoyed it!!
i did it again 3-4 times or something.
then i started looking at the curtains, which were reflecting to the red bulb in a suble manner. as i was looking at them i felt like i'm getting immersed into it!! everything around the curtain was getting dark, as if the curtain was the only thing present in the entire universe.
i also remember whenever i would try to get out of these “immersion” phases, i would feel some sort of drifting brake..
i don't know how to put in the table, but it felt the frequencies were going higher and higher and whenever i would try to look out of it, it would collapse..
kind of like the track 2,5-dimethoxy-4-ethyl-amphetamine (doet/hecate) by coil
those "vhewwww" part when the synth is progressivng to a higher level but then falls apart.. i almost felt like that. with the volume being cranked up to oblivion!!

after this, i felt a harsh taste on my tongue palate like some bittery sour tar like taste.
i opened my door and went to the bathroom an rubbed my lips with water, then i went to the kitchen to get some snacks and to my surprise there was almost nothing to eat.
then i took some plain bread & biscuits and went to my room, and then i sat down to find a video to watch, when i sat down i felt as if something was pulling me in
and this was much crazier than what i've experienced before!! i felt as if i'm literally getting pulled in.
mr dick asked me where's crator on text, he messaged me at around 12am , and i replied at 1:43am
i said,

“he must be studying, dude.
oh hey! i'm here floating.
oh, no! i'm at the middle of an ocean?
dude, the ocean has some crazy salt water in it”

well, regardless,
i was playing the video -- "Trippy Psychedelic Visuals to Mesmerize & Amaze" by a youtube channel named AllSeen while listening to Pink Floyd

then suddenly, i thought about “hey! what about watching a dark foggy forest video while listening to akira yamaoka’s silent hill 2 soundtrack??”
hats off to that thought!!

i played this video on youtube with its own sound set to mute –
"virtual drive through the dark and foggy forest" by youtube channel relaxing sounds of nature.
i played these songs “22 Dec

1:47am — Shine On You Crazy Diamond (Pts. 1–9, New Stereo Mix) — Pink Floyd — Wish You Were Here 50
2:20am — Raving and Drooling (Live, 1975) — Pink Floyd — Wish You Were Here 50
2:21am — Your Selfish Ways — Locust — Morning Light
2:24am — Theme of Laura — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 Original Soundtrack
2:27am — White Noiz — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
2:28am — Forest — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
2:31am — A World of Madness — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
2:33am — Ordinary Vanity — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
2:35am — Promise (Reprise) — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
2:36am — Ashes and Ghost — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
2:39am — Null Moon — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
2:42am — Heaven’s Night — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
2:44am — Alone in the Town — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
2:47am — The Darkness That Lurks in Our Mind — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
2:48am — Angel’s Thanatos — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
2:51am — The Day of Night — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
2:53am — Block Mind — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
2:54am — Magdalene — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
2:56am — Fermata in Mistic Air — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
2:58am — Prisonic Fairytale — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
3:00am — Love Psalm — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
3:05am — Silent Heaven — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
3:07am — Noone Love You — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
3:08am — The Reverse Will — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
3:12am — Laura Plays the Piano — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
3:14am — Terror in the Depths of the Fog — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
3:18am — True — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
3:21am — Betrayal — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST

3:24am — Blank Fairy — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
3:25am — Theme of Laura (Reprise) — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
3:27am — Overdose Delusion — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
3:32am — Pianissimo Epilogue — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
3:33am — Promise — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 2 OST
3:38am — Twin Peaks Theme (Instrumental) — Angelo Badalamenti — Twin Peaks OST
3:43am — Laura Palmer’s Theme (Instrumental) — Angelo Badalamenti — Twin Peaks OST
3:48am — Audrey’s Dance (Instrumental) — Angelo Badalamenti — Twin Peaks OST
3:53am — The Nightingale — Julee Cruise — Twin Peaks OST
3:58am — Freshly Squeezed (Instrumental) — Angelo Badalamenti — Twin Peaks OST
4:02am — The Bookhouse Boys (Instrumental) — Angelo Badalamenti — Twin Peaks OST
4:05am — Into the Night — Julee Cruise — Twin Peaks OST
4:10am — Night Life in Twin Peaks (Instrumental) — Angelo Badalamenti — Twin Peaks OST
4:14am — Dance of the Dream Man (Instrumental) — Angelo Badalamenti — Twin Peaks OST
4:17am — Love Theme from Twin Peaks (Instrumental) — Angelo Badalamenti — Twin Peaks OST
4:22am — Falling — Julee Cruise — Twin Peaks OST
4:28am — Dark Dawn — 光田康典 — Xenogears Original Soundtrack
4:33am — Stars of Tears (Outtake) — Joanne Hogg — Xenogears OST
4:36am — Bond of Sea and Flame — 光田康典 — Xenogears OST
4:39am — Village Pride — 光田康典 — Xenogears OST
4:43am — Wind from the Valley — Yasunori Mitsuda — Xenogears OST
4:45am — A Distant Promise — 光田康典 — Xenogears OST
4:47am — Steel Giants — Yasunori Mitsuda — Xenogears OST
4:50am — The Blackmoon Forest — 光田康典 — Xenogears OST
4:54am — Where Dreams Hatch — Yasunori Mitsuda — Xenogears OST
4:57am — Desert City Dazil — Yasunori Mitsuda — Xenogears OST
5:01am — Adoration — Yasunori Mitsuda — Xenogears OST
5:04am — Grahf – Ruler of Darkness — Yasunori Mitsuda — Xenogears OST
5:08am — Fuse — 光田康典 — Xenogears OST
5:10am — Dreams of the Brave — Yasunori Mitsuda — Xenogears OST
5:15am — Intangible Treasure — 光田康典 — Xenogears OST
5:19am — Ancient Dance of Aveh — Yasunori Mitsuda — Xenogears OST
5:21am — Infiltration — 光田康典 — Xenogears OST
5:24am — Deadly Dance — 光田康典 — Xenogears OST
5:27am — Windy Song — 光田康典 — Xenogears OST
5:31am — We Wounded Follow the Light — Yasunori Mitsuda — Xenogears OST
5:33am — Lost… (Screeching Shards) — 光田康典 — Xenogears OST
5:34am — The Thames – Men of the Sea — Yasunori Mitsuda — Xenogears OST
5:38am — Blue Traveler — 光田康典 — Xenogears OST
5:41am — Cage of Remorse and Relief — 光田康典 — Xenogears OST
5:44am — Icy Chin — Yasunori Mitsuda — Xenogears OST
5:47am — Blazing Knights — 光田康典 — Xenogears OST
5:50am — October Mermaid — 光田康典 — Xenogears OST
5:54am — Shevat – The Wind Calls — 光田康典 — Xenogears OST
5:58am — With the Sky, the Clouds, and You — 光田康典 — Xenogears OST
6:00am — Gather Up the Night Stars — Yasunori Mitsuda — Xenogears OST
6:03am — Earthly Tears, Mortal Thoughts — Yasunori Mitsuda — Xenogears OST
6:07am — Soaring — 光田康典 — Xenogears OST
6:12am — Wings — 光田康典 — Xenogears OST
6:14am — Solaris – Supernal Paradise — Yasunori Mitsuda — Xenogears OST
6:18am — Torn — Yasunori Mitsuda — Xenogears OST
6:23am — Prayers – The Joy of Hope — Yasunori Mitsuda — Xenogears OST 6:27am — Foreboding — Yasunori Mitsuda — Xenogears OST
6:32am — Awakening — 光田康典 — Xenogears OST
6:36am — Fangs Bared at God — Yasunori Mitsuda — Xenogears OST
6:42am — The Beginning and the End — 光田康典 — Xenogears OST
6:47am — Small Two of Pieces (Screeching Shards) — Joanne Hogg — Xenogears OST
6:53am — Lost Carol — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 3 OST
6:54am — You’re Not Here — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 3 OST
6:57am — Float Up From Dream — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 3 OST
6:59am — End of Small Sanctuary — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 3 OST
7:00am — Breeze – In Monochrome Night — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 3 OST
7:05am — Sickness Unto Foolish Death — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 3 OST
7:08am — Clockwork Little Happiness — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 3 OST
7:11am — Please Love Me… Once More — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 3 OST
7:13am — A Stray Child — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 3 OST
7:19am — Innocent Moon — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 3 OST
7:20am — Maternal Heart — Akira Yamaoka — SILENT HILL 3 OST”

now, things start to unfurl in a psychedelic manner again when i played SH2 ost along with that video -- Virtual Drive Through The Dark and Foggy Forest by youtube channel Relaxing Sounds Of Nature
nothing much happened when i was spun the first track - theme of laura.
things only started to unfurl when White noiz was played.. i was looking at the foggy, gritty, forest video i thought of closing my eyes.
the part in the track white noiz, where the "drop" happens, where everything starts sounding like white noises with a very eerie-ly haunting soundscape..
when that part dropped, i felt like sleeping in a bed which was thrown towards the ground from the space, and i was lying in the bed with my eyes closed, and i felt like i was in my bed but i'm falling like crazy i knew this is just a trip, but i was very stunned by it!!
it absolutely felt like i could feel the gravity..
this brings back the memories of playing silent hill 2 for first time, during the initial cutscene where james looks at his reflection on a mirror, and then the chaos erupts(i mean that "drop" part in white noiz) I've always chased that feeling, the feeling of listening the soundtrack again
but there are differences, during my first actual and importantly - sober playthrough, i felt like observing that chaos.
but this time, i felt like i was INSIDE the chaos.
both different and unique experiences.
i mean, it truly felt like someone threw me from the cosmos and somehow my bed is just in the stable position, and i'm falling down steep down..
i could feel it!!
then i opened my eyes, and then i was abit grounded, and then i saw the camera just kept going inside the forest and then suddenly..
my dad opens the door and says "ayy, whatcha doin?!" and i'm like "arghh, will i get caught? well, whatever" and then he just goes to the toilet
and i'm like "oh, thank goodness, i wasn't caught", but then i realize - wai- what if the smell is still lingering over there, and then he smells it and then catches me..??
i was just waiting and waiting thinking he would come and ask me "what's that smell?"
but he never came in my room, he just went to sleep after that.

and then i went back again, thought listening to the track "a world of madness" on the album, because its a track that gives off some sort of gritty, foggy, nostalgic, eerie-ly haunting 2000s vibes..

i don't remember much after that but i probably went to sleep.

AFTER SLEEPING --

after i woke up, my mom was telling me "why did you sleep like a maniac? and why did you eat all that stuff?" and i'm like just silently listening, lmfao.

regardless, they told me that everyone's going to hospital and i've stay home. i was like okay, but then i realized "wai- i will be alone?! so i can consume that shi again!!"
it was the last one, and i had a mindset "ok, i'm doing this now, so that i won't have urge to do it again since its the last one i have"
now, i was free to move inside my house, and i was just consuming that shit everywhere, and i was feeling pretty good
i don't actually remember how hard things were happening, but sure that it wasn't THAT hard as before, i was altered abit but i was still fully grounded. i don't exactly remember but it was there, maybe or maybe not.
i think i felt that "falling into the bottomless pit" thing when i sat down to scour up a film on my computer.
i was also eating this bread & chole(chickpeas), and eating that felt magnificent!! i wanted to eat more of this shit!!
i then went to watch this 2160p bluray version of mulholland drive, and the film was just SOOOO freakin' mesmerizing now
the higher fidelity made everything look so FCKIN' vivid, captivating..
now, i say things like "this film wasn't even THAT visually appealing?!" to the 1080p bluray rips i've watched in the past..
it was just sooo amazing!!

i was 20 minutes into the film, and then out of a sudden, i hear a baby cry.
that's my little cousin sister, and then i had to go take care of her, babysit her.. she wasn't even listening to me AT ALL.. i had to turn on the TV and put her on pokemon or something to calm her down.
so, i couldn't rewatch the entire mulholland drive unfortunately, hahah.

after that i called my mom, and then my lil brother picks up and says --
"heyy, do you know where we are?? we are at this restaurant!!"
and i'm like "didn't y'all go to the hospital??!!"

then after a few hours, they did come home, and came with ALOT of food..
my favourite ones were the brownies, pizzas and stuff

i also ordered a mutton garlic bread and a pizza through online services as well
it tasted SOOO profoundly amazing!! my stomach was FULL, i had to sleep or else i would have crumbled down.
i slept, and then woke up, still felt like my stomach had a ton of food in it.
amazing day, i guess..