*25-10-2025*

i just don't find this cornball arse life any meaningful dude.
it doesn't even make sense.
whenever i try to chase smth it always fails.
maybe someone's trying to hint it through smaller things..
when i try to accomplish harder or bigger things, i will fail, that's what this omnipotent being must be trying to prove.
guess, that's it?
i was listening to alot of tracks, i'm not enjoying things anymore. whatever slight amount of enjoyment i got, it's not coming.

you say i'm not lazy i'm tired
tired of what? tired of doing nothing?
dude, i'm just lazy arse worthless imbecile mf
gotta just accept the facts
giving cheap optimism ain't gonna work abit
it sucks, and it was probably designed to suck.

dude, i don't see anything else
if y'all can recommend me smth to do
like doing smth else - not these basic tasks like watching smth or doing chores
which will distract me from the inherent meaningless of life.

"your drive to understand, to feel, to experience things deeply, that’s still in you."
fck allat. i can't understand things. i'm not meant to understand things.

"and right now, that part of you doesn’t need a new bass or GPU — it just needs a breather. a pause.
to reconnect to something that isn’t about effort or money or achievement, but just quiet presence."
dude, i've been breathing and breathing sucks.

it's strange, people talk about meaning as if it's smth waiting you to find it, like a lost key or letter.
but the more i try to look at it, i see more of nothingness.
things come and then they disappear, not even go. and we do as well, probably on an atomic level compared to the universe.

meaning is smth these humans have created to distract themselves from the shitty-ness of life,
and it's so obvious.
folks create religions, as an opium to sedate themselves and also enforce a social order so that exploitation of the masses is easier and more efficient. they create "ambition", "love", they create "art" so that people like me get "significance" because we know we'll disappear.
we give ourselves pieces of art, things, or whatever which will make us feel "necessary", but the truth is - atleast for me that the world, or even folks around you won't give a SHIT if you disappear.

and now, again into this shit thing called "meaning", if it's smth to be created, doesn't it make it fragile? anything made by my hands or mind would crumble, quite sure about that.
people say that we can create our "meaning", but i just don't find comfort in it, i guess.

to me, it just feel like being pretentious 24/7. like painting a broken arse home even though yk it can't be fixed. if it isn't meant to be fixed, why not just demolish it? makes things super easy and efficient. someone else can use the land, resources to make better things out of it instead of my non-productive arse.

we've created philosophy, religions, systems which are all coping mechanisms.. humanity's attempt to wrap emptiness in language, i guess?
we invent meaning the way a child invents fictional monsters so that they can make sense of the dark. but i think dark doesn't care about all these cornball stories we whisper.