*31-10-2025*

didn't go to school today. mom tried waking me up around 6:30, but i got up late again.. 6:55am.. and that was enough for the day to derail. i didnt feel like rushing, didnt feel like facing the noise. been hearing the same taunts since morning.. "you dont study" "you dont go to school" "you're wasting your time".
i dont even argue back anymore; it just echoes through me like a voice from another room. maybe they're right. maybe my existence doesnt change anything.. not for them, not for anyone.

it's weird how i can recognize that i have the ability to do things, yet something inside just wont move.
laziness? maybe.
but it doesnt feel like the cheerful kind.. not the "whatever, idc" type. it's the heavier one, the one that grows from despair and hopelessness. everything just feels pointless. my body feels slow, heavy. i could lie in bed all day and still feel tired. not sleepy tired, but tired in a way that sleep cant really fix. if i try to sleep without distractions like no screens, no music.." my head starts looping:
"why should I live?" "what's the point?" "why was i even born?"

woke up at around 11:57am

later in the day(3-4pm), i tried to distract myself.. launched dark souls, put on swans’ to be kind in the background. and i cranked up the volume. during the playthrough, i got solaire this time. his summon sign appeared near the the centipede demon boss fight.. and for once, his quest didnt fail. that small thing made me feel.. kinda relieved. like if i had managed to preserve something, even if it's just a fragment of light in that decaying world.

after killing the centipede demon, the electricity went off. the music stopped. the room fell into that dense silence that comes after noise. when i took off my headphones, i realized it was raining outside.. quite heavy and chaotic. i stepped out with the dark side of the moon(live at wembley 1974 version) playing from my phone. the rain, the wind, the moving trees.. it all synced in a strange rhythm. the petals on the flowers were moving...
i found myself daydreaming about how this whole scene would look through a ccd sensor.. that warm, that glow, those grainy visuals, the streaks of light. i dont even know why that thought came, but it felt oddly comforting.

the dull, grey weather didnt exactly make me sadder.. it just deepened everything. made me feel connected to it somehow. that quiet, melancholic kind of beauty or smth.. idk.

shi- dude. i can't even sleep, function properly, do tasks efficiently.. i wish i can get out of this feeling, but idk how to get out of it..