*04-11-2025*

hey,
ALOT of things happened in the last 4-5 days, ups and downs and i don't wanna talk about 'em since they're long asf. idk if my future self will be able to remember what happened during this time period but whatever

what's the freakin' point of living, really? i mean, like, if living just means dragging this dull face and these tired eyes through another day that looks exactly like the last.. what's the use? people can see it on me now. my face's gone grey, eyes are strained like they're holding up the weight of the world, and mum keeps asking, "what's happened to you?" and i can't speak because i don't want to...

today was supposed to be simple.. just submit the damn money and consent for the school trip. i even bunked physiks just to use a non teaching staff's phone to call mum and dad. thought maybe, just maybe, they would come. they didn't😹 and that stupid cornball little thing, that empty absence, just.. snapped smth inside.

slept maybe 2-3 hours last night, somehow dragged myself to school, gave the test somehow.. got my arse whooped by the hindi teacher for talking😹, stood outside in history cuz mfs were shouting. but idc about allat.
anyways, came home, angry as hell, just went straight to bed.

dad calls later. starts with "why don’t you tell me these things?"
i mean, dude, like.. idk.
then he says, "you shouldn't go on the trip." i mean, ok🤔

opened my group chat later, saw my friends.. the ones who said "nah, we wont go".. suddenly hyped up and saying "yeah we’ll go too!"
wow. cool. love that too😊

its funny how isolation creeps in like humidity. you dont notice until you cant breathe.
i don't even care about all these things maybe, there are alot of things to worry about, yk?
i cant even find the strength to clean my own clothes, open a book, focus on a single line of text. media doesnt hit anymore, dude. music doesnt land that much.

regardless, dad ends the talk with, "you promised to study, wake up early, teach your brother, after we got you the new computer, ac and allat shit.. but you're doing none of that."
yea, ik, i'm pretty much a worthless piece of shit, an imbecile arse bozo i don't even know what i should do
i know i sound dramatic, but i genuinely dont have a reason or incentive to do basic tasks.. it's like i'm watching the version of me that could've been.. somewhat focused, capable.. slowly dissolve.

and then there;s this weird thought: i don't want to die. not really. i just don't want to exist in this half life anymore. i wish there was a way to vanish gently.. without any pain, yk? just fade out of everyone's memory like i never existed. no grief, no gossip. silence.

even if i do things like yk, maybe five years from now noone will remember me anyway.

still, i think about how nice it wouldd be to just.. sedate everything..
drugs, maybe? i dont even have access, but the idea of switching off my brain for a while sounds divine. just a few hours without the noise. without guilt. without thinking.

maybe one day i will find a reason to wake up that isnt obligation.
but for now.. this journal is all i’ve got.