*15-11-2025*

so, lemme start,
so, i woke up at around 4:30 am
then cleaned my arse, washed myself properly,
wore my fav baggy ahh jeans, boots, under sleeves(grey), with a navy blue nirvana tshirt, and that black fleece jacket
and then my mom & dad dropped me at around 5:45 am
and then we were just there in lines waiting when the attendance will be over and bus will pick us up
but the thing is, eric, lmfaoo, that bozo kept the "stuff"(we paid 50-50 for ts shit btw) in a jacket and his elder brother took that jacket
we thought he was cooked now, he was also yapping about shit and all saying "ayy, dude, i think i'm cooked, i ain't coming for trip tomorrow" but most probably his momma must have beat the crap out of him, woke him up and sent him straight to school.
anyways, he did come(last one to come)
then we went to the gate and the buses came, after that we started boarding the bus
my mom was telling me to get some money but i refused because i thought where will i get stalls in a jungle...
then the bus started and mfs started getting excited
then the bus started moving
i was like yk sitting at last, everyone was just dancing and all, and i was just there looking at the scenary.. i was actually trying to spin a record without actually spinning it, hahah
i mean- i was like listening to the record discipline by king crimson in my head, maladaptively daydreaming and i was just sooo immersed into it.. after sometime my friends kinda woke me up
and asking me if something was wrong😹
then they started telling me to stand up and dance, i mean- i just can't, dude. like, i like to be immersed in the scenery instead of jumping and shouting, hahah!!
anyways, the bus stopped multiple times so that we could pee but i wasn't feeling like peeing in open space even though i was trying to hold it, lmfao.
anyways, i had to eventually go pee in some random place full of trees, so yea.
regardless, mfs were dancing and hoping in the bus,
and me & neal were reading books, lol.
he was reading a feminist rule book or smth, and i was reading Frankenstein by mary shelly.
two of the mfs were saying "we ain't productive like y'all bro"
i mean- well, whatever...

one of my friend brought a old Panasonic camcorder(i think it had a ccd sensor? there was some oversaturation but it wasn't exactly like this yk vhs or mini dv type shit).
my guy(people call him mottu but i don't like calling him by that name) had brought ALOT of chips, and other bozos had brought onions, chips, tadkas and stuff.. so, we were pulling some crazy combos by mixing 'em, hahah.
so yea, eventually we entered the buxa village or smth, and everyone was sooo excited, but we were told to be silent as animals could get disturbed.
both 10th and 12th grade stopped at a point, where we ate and all, and then we part-ed our ways, they went somewhere else and we went to that place where safari jeeps were kept.
but the thing is the safari thingy was delayed and we had to wait for a lot of time.
regardless, eventually we got the permission to go to safari and all of us quickly grabbed our seats, lol.
so, in the jeep where i sat, there were 5 of us(including a teacher). btw, we were the 2nd last jeep to start the journey.
when it started, i thought it's gonna go slow and we're gonna enjoy the flora & fauna but the driver had another mood, lol.
my man was driving as if we were trying to escape a tiger chase, lmfao.
he was driving SOOO fast, and like we all had to hold ourselves, it was pretty much possible that if i we weren't careful, we could had flown out of that jeep, hahah!
one of my friend who was in front was asking tons of questions to the driver and it was sooo fun, loved the speed of the safari.
when we came out of jungle and went to this place(where the river flows, i guess?), it was SOOOO freakin' beautiful!!
it was just amazing as hell!!
we also saw a small deer at a distance...
after that we again entered the jungle and then eventually went to some sort camp(checkpoint, hahah!)
after visiting that point, we all went inside this structure(idk, what is it called)
but yea..
now, the guy was telling us about how we will see elephants here, and then we were furious that why the elephant ain't coming out
the guide explained that how we have visited their home, not the opposite, and like how we ourselves move inside our own home without thinking about others - same way these elephants will move,

if they want to come - they'll.
if they don't want to come - they won't

the tour explained us all that we have to keep quite so that the elephants come, so slowly EVERYONE of us got SUPPPEERRR quiet.
pin drop silent.
and then, these elephants really came, and were moving and all
and everyone of us was watching 'em soooo silently.
but the suspense broke when some random unc shouted, and all of the elephants ran away.
everyone of us got disappointed, lol.

anyways, we then went to safari once again,
and this time, we were among the first ones to go(considering we were the last in the initial safari),
and this time, it felt like some temple run walkthrough, lmfao.
i mean, we were standing, and we would either tilt or go inside like how it works in games such as temple run, hahah!!
we also saw peacock and i think a leopard, a group of deers etc.
and when we reached roads, the driver got into his crazy ahh mode again, and he was driving so fast like brooo!!
and the jeep behind us had my friends as well, so we were having ALOT of fun,
one of my friend was shouting "papa lag rha hai, papa!"

after allat, we went to that place, where we started our safari from,
and waiter for a while, and then once again we went to another place nearby for trekking.
during the trekking we saw alot of spiders, and yk, i'm VERY spider-phobic. there were some crazy ahh big spiders, yk?
anyways, eventually we reached this pond kind of thingy and like we saw bunch of fish
i didn't go near as i was scared that i would fall into the pond, and dying by drowning would be the most scariest way to go.

we then went back and ZOMG!! just that small distance felt kinda intense, like dude, i could emphasize with people who go to climb Everest and all those enormous and gigantic mountains
like dude, my respect for them just got SOOO high!!
the amount of physical and mental capacity one must have to do this should be CRAZYY..

i felt like this was soo amazing
i was one of the first ones to come btw
i felt like "is this like, i mean- should i even touch drugs in my life(since i often think of trying 'em to seduce & numb everything) if i can feel these things?"

after all that, i was super hungry like everyone else.
we then headed out to some kind of place where we were supposed to eat,
but the food wasn't allat good, bruh.
i mean, the food was peak as hell in 9th grade's trip, while the trip was mediocre(we went to cooch behar's palace back in 9th grade). this time(10th grade) we had a peak arse trip while the food was mehh.. guess, gotta compromise, yk?

anyways, after eating we sat and saw monkeys climbing and 'em doing funny things.
after sometimes we headed out to a nearby river and that river was soo cool, i absolutely loved the mountain and the view overall was just astounding!!

everyone was having fun and all..

as the sun was settin' in, we all went to buses and packed our bags and sat in our bus' seats.
we all knew this was such a peak arse moment, and we know this will be forever engraved in our hearts..
everyone was enjoying, everyone was tired,
at last, these two mfs had a fight because eric was throwing water
the guy didn't tell that "eric was the one doing allat", instead he fought against him(my school benchmate),
good thing that he didn't explicitly name anyone.. it didn't escalate after the teacher was called(our hindi/class teacher needs nobel prize, hahah! he's an amazing guy at resolving conflicts)
mfs were saying shi like "ayy, bro, where's that water coming up from?"
and i just kept quiet and was like "why tf am i here?!".
eric didn't even say anything like "yea, dude, i did allat", i mean he should've said it,
wasn't feeling good because someone else got into problem instead of the real perpetrator.

anyways, we were all excited when the bus entered the township, and then we went to our school and from there we all departed..
i felt like this was those peak moments you get to feel only a few times in a decade,
i hope i could maybe feel this everyday - but that's possible with only crazy ahh substances, and i think i shouldn't try any of 'em, right now.
peak arse times, i guess..
anyways, my mom & lil bro picked me up from there
i was hella sleepy & tired but my parents & cousin sister forced me to just tell 'em about the day(couldn't say no, yk?)


9.11.25

now, the next morning, i.e, 9.11.25
things start to get bad, idk how and why but idk, man...
my father told me "let's go on a ride"
but i refused, and he kept insisting but i refused.
in anger, he then took the cord of my computer and disconnected my router's connection.
and then he went with my mom & lil bro,
now things start to really bad from here
since, i don't have any means to distract myself, i have to just sit by and think of myself

i was spiraling over SOOOO many things, like how freakin' inherently meaningless is life
i mean- all the humans tell all those goofy ahh stories about meaning fall apart. the universe ain't a character in a story with goals or values.. it's gigantic, indifferent thing made of science and accidents. we're basically temporary arrangements of matter that became self aware for a split second on a tiny blue rock that wouldn't even have existed maybe.
people want a sense of purpose, but wanting doesn't imply there's anything in the universe to satisfy it..??
a hunger for meaning here is same as being thirsty in outer space.

everything that feels important only feels that way to us, inside our little arse bubble of consciousness. outside that bubble, it has absolutely NO meaning. morality, values, good and evil, significance, art.. they were all and are made so that life feels just a bit more peaceful and being outrightly chaotic.
every culture had created a different story about why life matters, sometimes using fear to impose the idea of "life has a meaning", while basically shows that none of 'em are trve. they're just coping mechanisms created so that folks could ignore the nihilistic nature of life.
and we know, universe doesn't validate any of 'em.. it just keeps expanding, cooling and eventually erasing everything that ever happened.

i ain't saying, "your feelings don't matter", it's more about "these things only matter to YOU".

i had a lot of thoughts, and i think i can't write 'em all.
anyways, I've been WAYYY too down these days
it's just visible on my physical sphere as well - i'm not eating well, i walk like as if i'm a 60 year old hag, dull arse face, etc. and it's just way tooo much visible
almost everyday i'm asked "tell us if you've got any problem", "what happened to you"
they've restricted my phone and computer's time, like i can't use anything beyond 11pm
and nowadays, i'm studying
but i've got that focus misalignment thingy(i can study for about 4-6 but i often spiral over thoughts for about a day or so..)
i don't know what to do💀

so, for most days it went on like this.. or maybe i don't remember exactly what happened(I've got short term memory loss, i guess)


12.11.25

now, on 12.11.25(i guess) -
i went to raas mela with my family, and got up into a few rides
had a bit of fun. i saw ts girl, she was soo cute, lmfao(she was sitting infront of me during one of the rides and she was so nonchalant, bwahah!)
regardless, my dad bought me a bhagawad geeta, told me to read it..
i'm not a religious person, mostly agnostic with inclination towards atheism.
but if i can carve values and meanings from this, then aight!
after that we went to a hotel, and ordered some food, i ordered only a chicken roll
they halted us for sooo much time, and when i finally received my food, it was soo freakin bad
and the bill was crazy as well..
i mean- i could have better ordered from zomato/swiggy or smth else for much lesser, and much high quality..
well, can't change allat, so yea.


14.11.25

now, let's skip things to 14.11.25 -
ahh, such a good day, food festival & childrens day, and also the last days of class 10th.
i think oktober-november 2025 will be one of those points in my life which i will remember most(along april '25, post-june 2023 till january '24, the entire 2022, etc.)
had my first psychedelic experience(since i actually felt happy and dreamy irl), the trip, SOOO many downs and some ups(but great ups).
anyways, i was assigned a task - that i had bring "puchkas", as we had this food stall(every class' section has one stall and most of us had to bring one one food item to satisfy the menu).
anyways,
i saw ts guy(my junior), and he's.. idk what to call, lmfao.
i kinda liked him, but the thing is how much is the chance that he's into guys? how much is the chance that he has a great personality? what if he's into generic medias..??!! and most importantly - how much is the chance that he will like a cornball like me?😹😹
bisexuality kinda sucks, eh?
well, whatever, that ain't the main theme of that day..
so, yea, we got like 2 food coupons and a game coupon on default
one of my friend was scamming kids, and trading one game coupon for one food coupon(one game coupon is like 20rs while food coupon's like 40rs)
i felt sooo bad for the kids, lol.
he names it "the great coupon scam of '25"
anyways, even i did that scam, i exchanged one game coupon with one food coupon.
after that, i went to buy a few coupons - i had 300rs, from which i bought 7 food coupons and a game coupon, i traded the game coupon with a food coupon(the great coupon scam of 2025, lol) i also had my lil bro with me, and his class teacher (she was my class teacher back in 1st or 2nd grade) told me he was disturbing her and that i should take him for a walk. i gave him a cupcake, and then suddenly remembered i saw my mom somewhere and she was looking for him. so i quickly went to find her, talked with her for a bit, and then took lil bro back to his class teacher. after that i saw our class' games stall had literally no person. so i went there to look what's happening - there were kids, literally throwing darts and playing with tyres.. everything chaotic. and then i got there, got the tyres, the darts and everything(many things were broken and all)..
after that i went to report our class teacher, and told him about this, he told me to sit there for a bit, and told another guy to call the representatives of that stall.
while sitting there, i was looking at those big trees, they felt like a painting to me - the contrast, the exposure, the color palette, the texture...

i was trying to daydream and think how they would look into a painting with the brushwork of the 1800s.. like a caspar david friedrich, john constable, ivan shishkin's type of painting.

i also spiralled over this thought.
about the "meaning" part..
when i said "your feelings don't matter, they only matter to YOU", doesn't that kinda sounds good?
they may matter because i'm the one creating the meaning behind it. not some non existing omnipotent being who has predesigned rules and framework..
meaning is basically a story that we tell ourselves to cope with conscious in a universe that never asked us to exist. and that also implies that life doesn't comes with a set of instructions or purpose.. it's just raw existence maybe that we're constantly trying to decorate with narratives. strip away the narratives, and that you're left with is a universe that isn't for anything.. and life is probably smth like it may not mean anything inherently until and unless you decide it does.

anyways, after allat stuff, we were asked to bring white shirts for signing..
so, we were all signing each others shirt, yk?
few of 'em crying.
but i didn't feel allat sad though,
people will say "pre-class 10th is what you'll remember the most"
i somewhat agree, but for me, i never enjoyed inside the classroom,
i loved the free time i had. that unemployed arse phase is what i loved the most. all that time to watch, listen, consume ton of medias, being on internet 24/7, writing ton of shit on internet, learning ALOT of nonsensical things..
sure, i absolutely love many folks from my school life, made a ton of memories..
guess, everything was all pretty great(with many down sides).

the whole dark side of the moon fits perfectly for this, but i would like to specifically write money's lyrics -
"ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
waiting for someone or smth to show you the way

tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
you are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
and then one day you find ten years have got behind you
no one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

and you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
racing around to come up behind you again
the sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older
shorter of breath and one day closer to death

every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way
the time is gone, the song is over, thought i had smth more to say

home.. home again
i like to be here when i can
and when i come home cold and tired
it's good to warm my bones beside the fire
far away, across the field
the tolling of the iron bell
calls the faithful to their knees
to hear the softly spoken magic spell"


15.11.25

i will start studying from about 3pm, gotta study rigorously since my pre-boards will start on from 24.11.25(first is maths). anyways, i listened to this record black saint lady by Charles mingus and bro...
ABSOLUTELY PHENOMENAL RECORD, DUDE!! when i first played the record, i was ABSOLUTELY immersed into it. the first two minutes of the record(the opening track) literally made me feel like i was into some sort of substance, lmfao. i mean- i was literally having goosebumps, having auditory physical sensations or something like that.
this record is not only some of the greatest jazz records of all time, but greatest records of all time. absolut peak arse record, dude.
anyways, i should get ready since i gotta start studying(i'm thinking of picking up maths, rn)